u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
50% drunk capacity currently
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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