I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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