HIV tests are more positive than that guy
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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