amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
