my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
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