I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i need an iv and a liver transplant
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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