my shit smells like andre
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize