My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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