so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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