I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
