I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize