My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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