Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
