your parents love me but you hate me
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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