If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
