I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
