i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
