I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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