Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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