just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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