he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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