um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
