Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Randomize
