people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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