I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
