I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
