the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
