I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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