your room smells of hookers.
And success
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
