$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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