I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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