I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize