The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
