The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
