She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
