Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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