I just made out with a guy for $7.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
