All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
