Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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