Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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