What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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