Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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