Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize