My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
