Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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