i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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