guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
