There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
