Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize