cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
