he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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