Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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