when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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