i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
