we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
