respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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