i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
