Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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