Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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